We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Randomize
