70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
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