Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
