i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
