I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
