I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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