OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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