Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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