too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
