if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
