there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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