I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
