You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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