My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
