im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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