I'm so fucking centered right now
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
