i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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