Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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