I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
