You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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