If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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