You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
