you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
