i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
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