Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
