if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Randomize
