All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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