I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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