He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Randomize
