People in love make me want to vomit
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
He shit in the fireplace
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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