when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
