I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
