They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
