Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
