Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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