last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
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