It was confusing and full of hummus
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
