video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Randomize
