I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
tonight lets celebrate not being married
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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