hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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