You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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