if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
