wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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