found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
