The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
