I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
