non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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