The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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