once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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