Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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