hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
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