weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
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